I'm still alive...
A few weeks ago, I said something to my ex (girlfriend at the time) out of mania that I regret which almost lead to horrible consequences...
I don't really want to get into what I said but she was hurt by what I said and her mom didn't want us to be together. When I heard about this I panicked. I couldn't bare the guilt of what I had done. I took my longboard from the garage and headed to the bridge across the highway to end it all. I called my staff at the group home on the phone saying "I fucked up! I fucked up! She left me! I can't do this! He heard the sound of the cars and knew what I was about to do. thankfully, He called the police once he realized I was about to attempt suicide.
When I got to the bridge, my roommate who I'm very close to happened to be going for a walk and found me trying to jump the fence. thankfully, the fence was too tall but after my roommate calmed me down I noticed a way down to the highway and started walking down the hill towards the short fence between me and the highway. She followed me up to the fence Begging me not to go. Through my mind I was justifying it saying "Everyone loses loved ones" I thought. "This is no different than when I lost two of my aunts to cancer".
I hopped the fence to get to the highway and when I turned around I saw my roommate, a few of the staff and a police officer on the hill. I made it about 6" from the rush of cars before the officer grabbed me. Three more police cars showed up as well as an ambulance and they gently took me to the ground. They rolled a stretcher over and strapped me down with one hand behind my head and the other by my side. From there, they brought me to the hospital where I waited in the ER.
The staff who was on the phone with me was there and was with me when I transferred over to the behavioral ER unit. While I was there I was talking to him about How I could have done things differently to succeed in killing myself. after a few minutes of this, he stopped me and said that he couldn't hear any more of this and that it would have broken him psychologically if I had succeeded and that he doesn't just work with me because it's his job. I was touched by this but still had the thoughts of "people will get over it eventually".
After being in the behavioral ER I went up to Station 20 since the young adult unit was full. That was the last I'd see of my staff until I was discharged. I stayed there for about Ten days (if I remember correctly) And made some friends, but there were also some jerks. As of posting this I've been to the psych ward eight times. probably more in the future. every time I'm there it causes some trauma. There's something called a Code 21 which means someone is danger to themselves or others. every day we'd hear *ding* *ding* *ding* "Code 21, west building, 7ITC" (that's the adolescent intensive treatment center). While I was there I was mentally preparing myself for the relationship to be over.
I couldn't check my texts because me, my roommate, and some of the staff (including the one with me in the ER) went on a trip to a nice cabin about 2 hours away from home. I didn't even get the chance to go home first but it was still lots of fun. when I got home, I texted my ex saying I couldn't go against her mom's wishes but she still wanted to be together. However, for me it didn't feel the same since I was mentally prepared and expecting the relationship to be over. eventually it was me that broke up with her.
Since then I've been trying to move forward and live with the trauma of it all. Lot's of safety precautions were put in place after this for obvious reasons.
It was very difficult to write this because I couldn't stop crying in the beginning thinking about all of the traumatic moments. I'm hoping to meet the first responders on scene and thank them to try to get over my fear of first responders.
If you made it through all of this post, thank you.
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